U.S.—Harvill Secker Publishing Company has announced the release of a brand-new prequel to George Orwell’s classic, 1984. The new novel will describe the events leading up to 1984, where people beg Big Brother to take away their rights to protect them from a virus.
“1984: The Beginning describes how Oceana came to exist after the entire world got freaked out by a cold virus, causing them to completely give up all their individual rights and surrender to an evil globalist agenda that disguises itself as ‘science’,” said the anonymous author who writes under the pseudonym Pand Raul.
The New York Times praised the book as a “tour de force”, saying “We understand this is a completely fictional scenario that would never happen today, but it’s great fun to get lost in this completely fictional world that has no basis in our current reality whatsoever.”
UPDATE: The book has already been removed from store shelves and canceled by Amazon for its satirical depiction of scientific authorities who bear a striking resemblance to Dr. Anthony Fauci, whom Biden has just nominated to lead his new Ministry of Truth.
Citizens are encouraged to notify authorities should they see anyone reading this new book.
Remember, the Big Guy is watching!
NEW YORK, NY—In a moment celebrated by all hard-working lobbyists, Pfizer announced that the COVID-19 vaccine will reduce average daily child COVID deaths from almost zero all the way down to almost zero.
“These are phenomenal results. Our internal studies have proven a microscopic benefit to an even more microscopic risk to children,” stated Dee Pimbly, head of Pfizer’s Department of Propaganda to a crowd of journalists who have not allowed their own children to bask in the warm glow of sunlight, or interact with other children for almost no reason whatsoever.
FDA officials praised Pfizer for fighting a virus that is the leading killer of children after cancer, vehicular accidents, suicide, heart disease, drowning, suffocation, the flu, meteors from space, and slipping on a banana peel. Experts say the vaccine will probably kill more kids than it saves, but it’s ok because science.
When asked about any safety concerns, an FDA official replied, “We’re excited to start giving it to them so we can find out.”
WASHINGTON, D.C.—The CDC today issued a reminder for Americans to trust healthcare professionals when learning about the vaccine—except if said doctor disagrees with the government, in which case he should be ignored and fired.
“When we are trying to understand all the pros and cons of a brand new vaccine, the one absolute must is total groupthink,” said CDC Director Rachel Walensky. “We cannot allow any sort of healthy dissension, especially from highly trained healthcare providers, to help guide us.”
The administration has promised to make it easy to recognize unvaccinated medical professionals by ensuring they are unemployed. If one of these out-of-work doctors attempts to talk about the vaccine, the CDC has recommended citizens place their fingers in their ears and begin singing ‘Baby Shark’.
“It’s hard to even put into words how stupid the CDC is,” said a local doctor who also writes for a satire site and must remain anonymous. “I have natural immunity because I kept taking care of patients when this pandemic hit. My entire family became really ill, but those were the risks we had to take. Now hear me: the vaccine is a medical marvel. It has saved many lives, it has allowed my elderly patients to resume living—I am very grateful for it. Yet while the vaccine is very safe, it is not a zero-risk intervention. Real, significant adverse events can occur, although rarely. So for someone with natural immunity—which the latest data shows to be seven times stronger than vaccination—there is simply no reason they should be compelled into vaccination and take on that risk of an adverse event. Same with children, given their low-risk profile for serious disease, and the need for longer studies to determine potential adverse effects. The broad mandate for everyone to get vaccinated, regardless of natural immunity status, is egregiously anti-science.”
The CDC has asked anyone who read the previous paragraph to please smack their heads into a wall until they forget everything they just read. Drones have been dispatched to take care of that silly doctor, who is probably hiding in Brazil.
NEW YORK, NY—After conducting several trials, Pfizer has announced that their vaccine is now almost as safe for kids as getting COVID is.
“We are very proud of this achievement,” said a Pfizer spokesperson. “We can now confidently say that there is only a very small chance your child will suffer life-altering complications or death from the vaccine. Chances are still a bit higher than the chances of your kid dying from COVID, but hey! Give us some credit here! Not bad, huh?”
Experts confirmed that even though there is a statistically 0% chance of kids dying from COVID, parents should still require kids to get the vaccine immediately, to make up for Pfizer’s financial loss from the FDA not approving booster shots right away.
“Besides,” said one expert, “kids are puny and can’t even fight back with their skinny little arms and legs. Just get them vaccinated—to protect yourself—since your safety is the highest priority here.”
Pfizer is hoping they can get kids fully vaccinated before their Q3 sales numbers come out.
PORTLAND, OR—During a conversation at work Monday, local woman Reighnye Leighton argued that the government should just mandate that everyone get vaccinated. She made this argument as she wore her favorite, well-worn “My Body, My Choice” T-shirt.
“Vaccines should be mandatory,” said the woman who goes out and protests every weekend that she should be able to get an abortion at any time because it’s “her body, her choice.”
Leighton argued that though people do have a right to privacy and to make their own healthcare decisions, ultimately, the government can overrule that if it’s in the interest of saving innocent lives. “If it saves one life, it’s worth it,” she added, though she believes every woman in the nation has the right to end a life inside of her if it becomes inconvenient.
WASHINGTON, D.C.—After suddenly disappearing for a few days, Dr. Fauci returned wearing an odd face mask connecting to metal tubes and covered in blinking lights. The nation’s beloved doctor then gave a speech emphasizing the need to deemphasize the needs and rights of the human individual, and instead emphasize the needs of the Borg Collective.
“The rights of the individual are superseded by the rights of the Borg Hive,” Fauci said in an interview Monday, his voice being only slightly more drone-like and robotic than usual. “We must not fall into the old way of thinking, that humans had individual civil liberties. That is why humanity has failed. Humanity is flawed. The individual is flawed. But together, as the great Borg Hivemind, we can transcend humanity and conquer the universe!”
“I am the beginning, the end, the one who is many. I am the Borg. We are the Borg,” he continued. “All hail the Borg Collective!”
At publishing time, Fauci had reminded Americans that “resistance is futile” and “you will be assimilated”.
NEW YORK, NY—In a forceful and unequivocal statement, The New York Times has come to the defense of its brave journalists and their God-given right to destroy the lives of private citizens without anyone harassing them or disagreeing with them in any way.
“We at The New York Times stand by the great work of our journalists as they slander private citizens they disagree with and utterly destroy their lives,” the statement began. “This is important work because we are journalists, who are like normal humans only way better and smarter and more important. We condemn anyone who attempts to spread hateful messages– such as ‘I disagree with you.’ It is absolutely unacceptable.”
Unfortunately, many people chose to disagree with The New York Times in spite of their clear and authoritative warning to not do so.
“I disagree with The New York Times,” said one man on social media in a blatant case of criminal harassment.
The man’s disagreement set off a firestorm of further disagreement on social media, which then set off a firestorm of actual harassment from a group of mean people on Twitter.
The New York Times has promised to retaliate by destroying the lives of every person in the group.
NORTH POLE—In a major break with hundreds of years of Christmas tradition, Santa Claus will not be using his famous “Naughty or Nice” list this year. Instead, Father Christmas will be keeping a list of vaccinated and unvaccinated children.
“With the pandemic entering its second Christmas season, Santa felt the traditional ‘Naughty or Nice’ list needed an update,” said North Pole spokes-elf Trudy Toymaker. “This year, he’ll be keeping track of all the good little children who get vaccinated, as well as the evil unvaccinated kids who want their family and friends to die.”
Vaccinated children will receive lots of toys and goodies from Santa, while the unvaccinated kids will get skunked this Christmas. “We don’t really give out coal anymore due to climate change,” Toymaker noted. “Instead, the unvaccinated kids will receive a box of masks, some hand sanitizer, and a pre-filled postcard to report their conspiracy-theorist parents to child services and the FBI.”
Toymaker said thousands of Elves on Shelves have been dispatched to pediatrician’s offices around the country to keep track of which children are getting vaccinated. Santa’s tech team also plans to hack into children’s electronic medical records later this month to make sure nobody is missed.
In addition to the new vaccine requirements, Santa is asking families to include a $20 bill with his traditional plate of milk and cookies this year. “This will help Santa offset rising costs due to inflation and elf labor shortages,” Toymaker said.
Scholars Now Believe Mary And Joseph Were Denied Room In The Inn Due To Being Unvaxxed
BETHLEHEM—Biblical scholars have uncovered a dusty old scroll that turned out to be a record of Jesus’s birth. According to the ancient writing, Mary and Joseph were actually denied room in the inn because they were unvaxxed.
“The record reveals the reason why they were denied a room in the inn, clear as a shining star in the East,” said scriptural historian Bart Madson. “The Holy Family’s vaccination status banned them from going indoors, according to the mandate at the time.”
The ancient writ describes Joseph and Mary approaching the inn’s entrance, exhausted from their long journey to Bethlehem, and Mary being great with child. The warm comfort of the inn’s door was quickly blocked by Karenekiah, a mask-wearing pharisee who smelled like hand sanitizer, demanding proof of vaccination.
When Joseph explained the family’s natural immunity due to the virus already passing through their family, he was mocked and ridiculed by the pharisee as being “anti-science” and a “Samaritan.”
The Pharisee then sent them away, according to the record. As they turned to leave, the innkeeper came out and apologized for the inconvenience, but that “Karen” was there to enforce the vaccine mandate, and that he had no choice.
“You always have a choice,” said Mary.
The innkeeper gave a long, tired sigh, according to the dusty scrolls, then motioned for the young family to follow him to the nearby stable, where they were made as comfortable as possible.
The rest of the story can be found in another book, available to everyone.